Me and Madonna. We're tight.

Throughout the past week, or rather, this afternoon, it's come to my attention that me and Madonna aren't so different from each other at all. Yes, she was (technically still is) married to Guy Richie, and has a bunch of kids, and more money in her big toe than I do in my savings account, but I digress. I mean in the world of relationships, I can feel Madonna's pain -- and see some of the issues that she might be encountering in the near future.

I just stumbled across this on the Daily Intel. Tsk tsk. Mistake number one, letting your rebound move close to you -- physically. emotionally. environmentally. Whatever. It's all bad. First a fun fling with a baseball superstar (or an ex that you still think about, or some guy that a friend sets
you up with) starts off fun. You sneak around to each others' places. Get discreet dinners together. You deny it all until you both wind up single , then next thing you know the crazy one in the relationship goes ahead and starts moving in closer to you. Madonna, watch out, first he's all secretive and it's fun. Then he moves into your neighborhood, but you know what that means? Your place is his place. You'll find his toothbrush in your bathroom. Boxers on your bedroom floor. It's like G.W. invading the Middle East. And like W, do you have a bailout plan? Negative. The last thing you need is the guy that you've had fun with and a flingy to do with to be your next husband. Watch out.

Also, as the newsflash states, our material girl has been keeping tabs on Guy Richie. You know what, let's not lie. We all do. Welcome to the land of breakups. The disgruntled party always wants to get even with the one who was "emotionally retarded" (Madonna's words, not mine). For Madonna, her spying involves something that looks like a government effort. For us normal, every day kind, this involves using mutual friends, Facebook stalking, hacking into ones phone (you think I'm joking, but talk to my friend S -- she's been a victim of such spying!). Oh Madonna, we know it all hurts right now, and you probably can't look at your son since he's the spitting image of your soon to be ex (all the reason why I shouldn't have kids before I've settled down with the one). But letting go is the first step to moving on. I allow my friends to have a month or two of obsessive spying, then it's time to wave the white flag. You don't really want to know what's going on there anyway -- the last thing I want to know is how high my ex's number has gotten since we split (which is really the only information you get). No thank you. Ew. Pick yourself up, move on, and burn all sentimental photos (including those you can find on Google).

It's true. Madonna is just a normal person going through a breakup. I feel your pain. If you need to get martinis to talk it all out, give me a call.

-M