Confessions of a Broken Heart

(image courtesy of: http://hollywooddame.com)

I swear. I leave work a hour early yesterday to head home in the pouring Boston rain (thank gosh they did postpone that Red Sox home-opener) and the blogosphere takes that as a sign to blow up, without my knowledge, with the Lindsay Lohan/Samantha Ronson breakup. Yes, you read that right. Breakup. Don't say you didn't see this coming.

According to People Magazine, Ronson split with Lohan (heartbreaking!). Lohan went crazy ex-girlfriend (we all have our not-so-shining moments), and tried to get into the 'I Heart Ronson' party this weekend in Los Angeles. The day after the unsuccessful party crash, Lohan was out and about in LA where paparazzos claim, "Lindsay kept hiding her face in her hands … One second she would scream that we were scaring her and the next she started rambling about how much she loves Samantha." Oh dear.

The story gets better though (far juicier than any of my breakups - although P might disagree). LiLo claims that Ronson cheated on her, via Twitter. That's right, Twitter is the new breakup tool. Take note. Ronson then shoots back with this image (again, via Twitter). Classy girls. Real classy.

LiLo. Consider this an open letter from Pop Culture Paradox to you. Breakups suck. They really do, and this isn't your first one. We all remember Wilmer Valderama (it's okay, we all make childhood dating mistakes). We all act irrationally when a breakup happens. Sometimes you try to crash an ex's party (been there, done that). Sometimes you turn to not-so-great substances (don't bother. Ew). Sometimes you feel the need to lash out. My best advice? Stick by your friends and family, eat some greasy food (I suggest Sonic, since it's delicious), and have some retail therapy (because we call could use a new pair of Louboutins). Stand strong, because at the very least, your ex isn't the best (or even a good) DJ, and you were the pretty one in the relationship afterall - and that should allow you to sleep a bit easier.

-M

And In Other News, The Sky Is Blue

(image courtesy of: www.examiner.com)

In unsurprising, unshocking, inevitable, bound-to-happen news, Bristol Palin and her "fiancee" (aka teenaged baby's daddy) have officially broken up. I'm sure it was made official via a Facebook relationship status update, as -- well, we all know -- it's the only way we really know when people are together or not anymore.

-M

Me and Madonna. We're tight.

Throughout the past week, or rather, this afternoon, it's come to my attention that me and Madonna aren't so different from each other at all. Yes, she was (technically still is) married to Guy Richie, and has a bunch of kids, and more money in her big toe than I do in my savings account, but I digress. I mean in the world of relationships, I can feel Madonna's pain -- and see some of the issues that she might be encountering in the near future.

I just stumbled across this on the Daily Intel. Tsk tsk. Mistake number one, letting your rebound move close to you -- physically. emotionally. environmentally. Whatever. It's all bad. First a fun fling with a baseball superstar (or an ex that you still think about, or some guy that a friend sets
you up with) starts off fun. You sneak around to each others' places. Get discreet dinners together. You deny it all until you both wind up single , then next thing you know the crazy one in the relationship goes ahead and starts moving in closer to you. Madonna, watch out, first he's all secretive and it's fun. Then he moves into your neighborhood, but you know what that means? Your place is his place. You'll find his toothbrush in your bathroom. Boxers on your bedroom floor. It's like G.W. invading the Middle East. And like W, do you have a bailout plan? Negative. The last thing you need is the guy that you've had fun with and a flingy to do with to be your next husband. Watch out.

Also, as the newsflash states, our material girl has been keeping tabs on Guy Richie. You know what, let's not lie. We all do. Welcome to the land of breakups. The disgruntled party always wants to get even with the one who was "emotionally retarded" (Madonna's words, not mine). For Madonna, her spying involves something that looks like a government effort. For us normal, every day kind, this involves using mutual friends, Facebook stalking, hacking into ones phone (you think I'm joking, but talk to my friend S -- she's been a victim of such spying!). Oh Madonna, we know it all hurts right now, and you probably can't look at your son since he's the spitting image of your soon to be ex (all the reason why I shouldn't have kids before I've settled down with the one). But letting go is the first step to moving on. I allow my friends to have a month or two of obsessive spying, then it's time to wave the white flag. You don't really want to know what's going on there anyway -- the last thing I want to know is how high my ex's number has gotten since we split (which is really the only information you get). No thank you. Ew. Pick yourself up, move on, and burn all sentimental photos (including those you can find on Google).

It's true. Madonna is just a normal person going through a breakup. I feel your pain. If you need to get martinis to talk it all out, give me a call.

-M